Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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