When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
