I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
