I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
