You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
