turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
