I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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