dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
3 2 1 whiskey
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
