I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
