Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
