As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
