I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
