i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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