She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
