I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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