I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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