Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
