Umm I'm too high to move.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
