Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
