so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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