no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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