Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
