A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
