insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
