I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
