if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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