Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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