Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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