Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
