im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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