Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She told me I should be a condom model.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
