I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
