I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
