I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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