your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
