I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
