my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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