Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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