we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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