tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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