mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
sex in a hospital.. check
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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