i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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