i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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