Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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