I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
