Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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