there's paper in my vomit.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
