Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
