I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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