Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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